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My husband is terrible in bed – and has been for 30 years : Romance : Nigerialog.com - Nigeria's Premier Online Forum

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My husband is terrible in bed – and has been for 30 years

By: gifted |Time : October 14, 2019, 04:24:45 AM
husbandbadinbed.jpg
I like him, but I’m not attracted to him. While I don’t want to hurt his feelings, it has become a thorn in my side

Pamela Stephenson Connolly


Question:
‘I find him physically repulsive.’ (Posed by models.) Illustration: Guardian Design/Getty Images

I am a 58-year-old woman, married for 30. Although I like my husband, I find him physically repulsive. His lovemaking is so boring and always has been. I have tried to explain that foreplay is important, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying he is crap in bed, but our sexless marriage has become a thorn on my side. Can you help? Please don’t advise counselling – he would never agree.





Answer:
Many people find themselves in marriages where sexuality is unappealing or even nonexistent. Such relationships can lead to despair, searches for extramarital satisfaction, or even separation – especially if good sex is considered vitally important. But sexuality is just one aspect of a union, and many people decide that the positive aspects of the overall relationship outweigh the sexual deficits. Often, boring sex is an expression of a lacklustre relationship, or one where couples are hiding their true selves. Some partners bypass their feelings towards their partner – anger, resentment, jealousy and so on – and go through the motions of lovemaking to avoid an argument. To be married for so long to someone unattractive to you, and to have such a poor opinion about your husband’s lovemaking, suggests that you are not terribly interested in sex yourself; that there are many positive factors that outweigh it in your marriage; that you do not want to upset the status quo; or that you regard yourself as a victim in your relationship. Think carefully about the answer. If he will not agree to counselling, talk to someone by yourself. You deserve to have help with the process of deciding what is truly important to you.

•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/oct/08/my-husband-is-terrible-in-bed-and-has-been-for-30-years

Re: My husband is terrible in bed – and has been for 30 years

By: dayan (M) |Time : October 14, 2019, 10:11:05 PM
Quote
But sexuality is just one aspect of a union, and many people decide that the positive aspects of the overall relationship outweigh the sexual deficits. Often, boring sex is an expression of a lacklustre relationship, or one where couples are hiding their true selves. Some partners bypass their feelings towards their partner – anger, resentment, jealousy and so on – and go through the motions of lovemaking to avoid an argument.

Methinks that the two branches of this statement are intrinsically irreconcilable.

Yes, there are relationships that are asexual and still happy and functional, BUT not if any party in it think that sex is important. Once one of the parties consider asexuality or poor sexual relationship a problem, the talk about "positive aspects of the overall relationship outweigh the sexual deficits" doesn't even arise.

The sexual part (no matter how irrational it can be) would somehow always outweigh the other parts.

And, in this instance, the husband is not even helping by rejecting counselling.

So, this woman feels trapped and sad.

I really think that this marriage is a ticking time bomb because there is no telling how this woman would fix her sexual dissatisfaction. The fact that the man rejects counselling may mean that he has ego problems as well, which is the gasoline waiting to be ignited should this woman even think of straying.

Doomed marriage, unless a miracle happens.

But what got me thinking is why this woman tolerated the thing for 30 years. This is why I believe that women undergo more changes in life physiologically than men. 
What changed for this woman that woke her up to know that she has been missing sex for 30 years? Did she cheat?

How did she suddenly come to know that she has been missing something? I can't believe that she always knew but tolerated it. Women don't tend to be that considerate or tolerant for so long, unless something woke them up.

Maybe I'm overthinking this problem but her sudden awakening to the extent of saying " I find him physically repulsive". Since when?

To say that his love-making is "is so boring and always has been" is a comparative statement, because if he is all she'd ever known for 30 years I doubt that she'd describe the experience in those terms, or find him repulsive now.

This is also why a women would wake up to file for divorce after being with a man for decades.
It used to puzzle me, but not anymore.

Wishing them good luck!

Re: My husband is terrible in bed – and has been for 30 years

By: princepoint |Time : October 15, 2019, 01:16:58 AM
Quote
I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying he is crap in bed, but our sexless marriage has become a thorn on my side.

you need to say it to his face he might not be aware

sex life is very important in any relationship

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