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On Feminism And Fidelity: Romance : Nigerialog.com - Nigeria's Premier Online Forum (158 views)

On Feminism And Fidelity

By naijarian (F)December 06, 2016, 07:18:46 PM
Bunmi Tella:


"I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."

Infidelity appears to torture Nigerian women more than mosquitoes. The pain is so raw, real and frequent you cannot help but wish you could take it away. But alas you cannot. This is a walk we most all walk by ourselves.

But perhaps a couple of signposts might help. I often say that fidelity is a bigger sacrifice for men than for women - a statement that has never made me popular 😆😆😆. In fact I have been attacked, insulted and my ancestors cursed for that statement by women who think that is a sexist statement. It is not. Its no more sexist than saying men are usually physically stronger than women.

And that is the crux of the matter right there isn't it? We confuse equality with equity. We think  being the same is the opposite of being different. We forget that while 2 + 2 = 4 so also does 1+3, and 4 + 0. We think being a feminist is about blurring distinctions between genders, that it's about what men can do women can do better (i hate that statement, its stupid) and much more insidious and it hurts to admit but most be done - feminism is often hijacked by those who hate men but do not necessarily love women.

When I say fidelity is a bigger sacrifice for men than for women what a lot of people hear is that its ok for men to cheat. Its not. That statement is not an excuse to cover up the fact that you made a promise and you broke it. While women - modern african women especially may be clueless about sex and sexuality, you are not. You and your dick go way back. U know the shit its made u do. You know the time and effort it took to become a man not ruled by his passions. And you also know if you are not yet that man and therefore should not be making anyone those promises. So no. That statement is not to excuse bad behavior, its to speak truth to power. Argue with evolutionary biology, or better yet go find out about the sex life's of gay and lesbian people - it will help u understand.

Women get so pissed off about male infidelity its shocking. They will fight on the street, or pray all night or meddle with powers of darkness all over approved locations for mr mans dick. Aren't u people tired?

Its true men need sex with more frequency and more urgency than women, but why this threatens women instead of empowering them is the very definition of patriarchy. In any other situation, transaction or exchange in this world the person with the need is the one that should be at a disadvantage. And that ladies and gentlemen is the crux of the matter.

You see evolutionary biology not withstanding some societies and cultures have managed to make monogamy work. They have installed severe consequences for infidelity - divorce, lose half ur shit, jail if u don't pay child support, limited upward mobility if u are single versus married. And great rewards such as love and respect of your family, community and society, financial compensation, support and above all a wife who is very aware of his sexual needs.

Now its that last part that I think is messing up Nigerian women especially. You see you can only fake loving sex for so long. Thats why you people are nymphs until they marry u. Then suddenly u r a respectable church going mother and wife and u will not be sucking anyones dick in the car. Why does he need that sef? What is with men and sex u say. If your motivation for sexual prowess is marriage, then once u are married sex dies.

You see you too were once curious about sex, but u were taught that only whores like sex, but a good girl finds a good man and enjoys sex within marriage the way God intended. So u closed your legs and closed your mind because u would never let your people down. But you did not notice that no one told your brothers that. Along the road you noticed that the boys were not interested in u and your closed legs so u now had to re think your strategy. How can i be sexually alluring while not being a whore? You learned to play games. U learned to play hard to get. You figured out how to make sexual promises without being promiscuous. You even learnt how to please a man in bed.

But all of this was not to discover yourself sexually. It was not to figure out who you are and what you like, it was to find a man. So now you have found him, married him and made him yours you can be yourself. And what does that look like? You see patriarchy has put the demands of marriage and motherhood on the doorstep of us women. So much so that even if we were lucky enough to marry the right man our desire still wanes during those years talk less of someone who was never really that into it. Or put another way efin ni ewa.

So where Im I going with all this, well while an unfaithful man is a dick the frequency and blatancy and often fatal way it happens in Nigeria is not just about men and their dicks. Its also about women who are not yet ready to sacrifice their halos for self respect. Women who would rather be seen as pious than be fulfilled. Women who are more married to being seen as a "good girl" than a "real girl". Women who still want the praise and approval of the patriarchy so very badly. Women who do not believe in their own intrinsic self worth then get pissed off when no one else does either. Women who still think being nice is so much more important than being accomplished.

If you love yourself u have to be a little selfish sometimes sorry - but if you are so married to being seen as a good girl all the time you are selling yourself short. That's exactly the attitude that leads all the way to that marriage of lies. Then one day the man, who has been told all his life that his life matters, that his needs matter and that he has every right to fulfill those needs steps over your dead body in pursuit of said needs.

So now go back up and re read that quote. Hopefully this time it resonates more.


Re: On Feminism And Fidelity

By dayan (M)December 06, 2016, 09:40:34 PM
Wao! This article is so deep and sincere.
Men (and women for that matter) should pay very close attention to the key points in it.


Re: On Feminism And Fidelity

By dayan (M)December 06, 2016, 09:41:30 PM
Quote
feminism is often hijacked by those who hate men but do not necessarily love women...

Very true. In fact feminism as a word is alien to the African worldview and philosophy.
Women were always empowered in Africa before the Europeans showed up.
African families saw and treated their daughters with the same value and worth as their sons.
In my part of Africa, women could rise in societal strata and even carry on as men in some instances. They could own slave, marry women, buy lands, trade, own farms, have lovers (where they feel the need for one), and change husbands if they feel like it.
No big ceremonies or 'court processes" were necessary for those.
It was not called feminism then. It was simply called culture.
Gender never really brought one any special privileges -competence and sapience was all that mattered.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2016, 02:27:03 AM by dayan »


Re: On Feminism And Fidelity

By dayan (M)December 06, 2016, 09:45:21 PM
Quote
You see you too were once curious about sex, but u were taught that only whores like sex, but a good girl finds a good man and enjoys sex within marriage the way God intended. So u closed your legs and closed your mind because u would never let your people down. But you did not notice that no one told your brothers that.

It is a man's world, but THAT is a problem often belied for "political correctness".
Anybody who has actually SELFLESSLY sort to cure societal "sins" would often be open minded enough to look at ALL issues and in ALL directions to identify causes of those ills and sins. But most often people are so self-absorbed and self-righteous that they never bother to even look, talk less of looking deep and far enough.


Re: On Feminism And Fidelity

By dayan (M)December 06, 2016, 09:56:17 PM
Quote
Women who would rather be seen as pious than be fulfilled. Women who are more married to being seen as a "good girl" than a "real girl". Women who still want the praise and approval of the patriarchy so very badly. Women who do not believe in their own intrinsic self worth then get pissed off when no one else does either. Women who still think being nice is so much more important than being accomplished.

This is a powerful point NEVER spoken of by anyone but still powerful enough that it wrecks homes consistently with no help or understanding coming from any quarters to forestall repeats. In the years past, African cultures (I know that Igbo did) was very realistic about what went on in real life. The culture recognized that  before people become husbands and wives, they were first HUMAN BEINGS with real issues of personal idiosyncrasies in the matters of sex. So when you married someone, you never DIED to being who you were prior. You went into marriage being yourself -the person you were which attracted the suitor in the first place. There was no pretense and acting that precede a woman's readiness for marriage.
But these days, women practically wear masquerades to attract husbands, and after the marriage sets off, parts of the masquerade starts to fall off, and conflicts become inevitable.
This problem will never go away until we remember who we were before the Europeans showed up.

Re: On Feminism And Fidelity

By dayan (M)December 06, 2016, 10:01:55 PM
Quote
If you love yourself u have to be a little selfish sometimes sorry - but if you are so married to being seen as a good girl all the time you are selling yourself short. That's exactly the attitude that leads all the way to that marriage of lies...   

And that marriage of lies is why DIVORCE has been steadily increasing in Nigeria for years now and is approaching alarming proportions.
In our African system of marriage, divorce was very rare and if even when it happened, it never left devastation in its wake.
African philosophers need to revisit this issue for rectification.


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