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Date: June 03, 2020, 04:53:20 AM


Must We Condone Men's Fickleness? : Romance : - Nigeria's Premier Online Forum


Must We Condone Men's Fickleness?

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : November 14, 2018, 06:14:09 AM
Dear Bunmi,

I get so angry when people, yourself inclusive, say that all men fantasise about sleeping with other women. That women do not want to be this way is normal.

Can you tell me what is normal about a woman going to bed with her husband and, while they are making love, he’s thinking about someone else? I like to believe that I’m good-looking enough and good enough in bed for my husband to think only about me when we make love.

If I ever found out about my man and other women, our relationship would be threatened. It would be as bad as if he slept with another woman behind my back. If a man is sexually fulfilled, why does he need to go elsewhere?

by e-mail.

Dear Moyin,

Men, in the same way as women, fantasise increasingly about the opposite sex as they enter adolescence. They are aroused by the thoughts that flash through their minds. This leads to relationships and, eventually, intimacy.

Most sexologists believe that the ability to look forward to the joy of love-making is part of what distinguishes us from other animals. It gives us enormous pleasure and it helps the human race to thrive.

Like it or not, a man will continue to fantasise about intimacy, frequently or seldom, throughout his life. Although he will tend to focus on the woman he loves, he cannot and does not control the sexual thoughts that rush into his head. He will remain alert to the attributes of other women.

In comparison, a woman who has found and loves her partner may have few thoughts about sex other than those involving her partner. It is a known fact that men and women are sexually different and it is inappropriate to expect them to be the same.

According to various surveys, some men fantasise freely, others not at all or one partner more than the other. Accepting and respecting a partner’s sexual nature, allows some couple’s intimacy to grow and their sex life to become enriched. You cannot compete with whatever sexual fantasies your husband may have -and you don’t need to. It’s you that he loves.



Re: Must We Condone Men's Fickleness?

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : November 14, 2018, 06:19:55 AM
We all have our fantasies. However, we have to train our minds to sieve or ban the ones that can put our real relationships in jeopardy.

We have to try very hard to make sure that our partners in reality are the objects of our nighttime fantasies. And when they are not, trouble is looming, but heavens won't fall until we start showing them that they are not.

Discipline and control! You can't do them all!

Re: Must We Condone Men's Fickleness?

By: dayan (M) |Time : November 14, 2018, 07:22:50 AM
In comparison, a woman who has found and loves her partner may have few thoughts about sex other than those involving her partner. It is a known fact that men and women are sexually different and it is inappropriate to expect them to be the same.

To this comment above, I came across this article to somewhat provoke more thought and debate on the subject of men and women's TRUE attitude towards sex.

TITLE: Yes, yes, yes: why female pleasure must be at the heart of sex education

I was given a shell-clasped plastic case in pearly pink. Inside were two sanitary towels so small they could have been used as rugs in a doll’s house, and a leaflet about other sorts of period products. I had started my period at least a year before receiving these treasures. The trinket box was wasted on me, and the conversations about my periods came way too late.

I genuinely don’t remember any other sex education at primary school. By the time they started talking to us about it at secondary school, I think in the third year (year 9), most of the girls in my class had had their first sexual encounters. These were mostly at the Bill Clinton level: not full intercourse, but all the other stuff. The teachers were clearly counting on us not having had intercourse (although some of us had) because our sex education was about Aids (it was the early 90s) and babies. It was essentially a lesson in contraception. I would wager that almost every girl in my class carried a condom in her purse long before she came to this lesson. In fact, we used to keep them as charms to show how grown up we were, accidentally on purpose spilling them out of our bags and pretending to be embarrassed.

We were the generation of the Femidom, which I am certain no one has ever used, but my brother’s best mate’s mum worked at the family planning clinic, so they nicked a big box from her and he would frequently put them in my school bag as a joke. When these fell out, I genuinely was embarrassed. Women’s sexuality was embarrassing, whereas pretending you were a dab hand at rolling on a condom was something to be proud of.

Sex and relationships were never discussed in our contraceptive education. It was all about the dangers of a man climaxing. That is the thing that causes the babies, so that is what we were taught about. We were shown how to handle and dispose of men’s pleasure safely. I went to a girls’ school; I have no idea what boys were taught – most likely the same.

The heavy petting we were all getting up to, bragging about which “base’” we had got to with the lads, was, again, all about doing what the boys wanted. When they were touching us and we were gloating about it, we garnered zero pleasure from such interactions – beyond getting to tell your mates that the fittest one had stuck his hand in your knickers. It was a league table; it wasn’t even about liking people. No one ever told us that it would be great if you liked each other, better if you did it because you actually got off from it. Bless the boys, I think they thought we enjoyed it. No one told them, either.

In almost every case, we were not victims, and the boys were not aggressors, but we were certainly not sexually enlightened young women exploring our sexuality. We were vessels for the boys’ exploration. No one ever said that sex was for us, too.

I hope this has changed a bit in 20 years, but I am not sure it has. I spent a good few years while working at Women’s Aid going to schools and teaching teenagers about the scary side of relationships: rape, coercive control and sexual exploitation. We always couched this in terms of teaching about sex equality and how power imbalances between men and women can lead to dangerous and harmful behaviours and expectations. We would try to teach boys to respect women and women to respect themselves. It was vital work, usually brought about after an incident of sexual violence at a school, but it never explored the ideas of women having equal sexual needs, wants and, ultimately, power.

Still, the average member of the British public thinks men need sex more than women. They need it like we need water, oxygen and food. This is a cultural norm we have all accepted and it seeps into how we live our lives and teach our children. Men don’t need sex any more than women, they just enjoy it more because it has a guaranteed payoff. They won’t die if they don’t have it, just like I won’t die if I don’t eat cake. We have to change this altered reality.

The government has just released its draft guidelines on relationship and sex education after campaigners and politicians have, for decades, called for mandatory relationship education to try to end the epidemic of domestic and sexual abuse. The guidelines are better than they were and cover areas of coercion and consent – finally. However, they still give a green light to schools to teach only very traditional notions of sexuality, relationships and gender norms. They are also squeamish about sex, which seems a bit odd, and totally fail to address the idea of a power imbalance between men and women that leads to coercion and sexual abuse. Worst of all, in my opinion, is the emphasis on teaching “virtues” including “self-control” and resisting sexual pressure, suggesting abstinence and ignoring the fact that many are coerced. This, once again, seems to put pressure on girls to be the controllers of male sexuality, not masters of their own. A bit like when my nan used to say: “Keep your hand on your halfpenny,” as if it was me tantalisingly flashing my vagina at boys and giving in to their demands that would lead to my untimely pregnancy. “Just say no” doesn’t work, so perhaps we need to try teaching young people about why they might want to say “yes”. What does good, healthy and happy sex look like, for example?

Girls masturbate, girls know all about what they like and want. They also know what boys like and want. Boys only know the latter. Girls and boys spend at least the first 10 years of their sex lives focusing exclusively on what boys want. Girls are taught at school that sex is about boys and how they should manage that – from the mess to the risks. Would it hurt to talk to both boys and girls about how sex should be for both parties? Giving girls a bit of hope that shagging won’t just lead to them dripping in breast milk or being a witness in a trial. Could we not change the way that sex is perceived to be about power and pleasure for men by simply talking to young people about why we do it?

I want young people to have compulsory sex education from the age of four. I want us to be braver about talking to kids about the difficult and scary stuff, like abuse and coercion. I want the frightened young woman who feels pressured to know that at school she will be able to find help. I want all of that, but I don’t want young girls growing up thinking that sex is just something that happens to us. I want boys and girls to know that it should be about both people not just agreeing, but also enjoying it.

Boys should want girls to say yes, yes, yes, not just be taught to listen when they say no.


Re: Must We Condone Men's Fickleness?

By: dayan (M) |Time : November 14, 2018, 07:26:44 AM
I think it is dangerous to assume that men think about sex more than women, especially these days.
The difference may be that men tend to act out their thoughts more than women because society allows them to do that. But if given the opportunity, women may well act out as well.
Just saying...

Re: Must We Condone Men's Fickleness?

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : November 14, 2018, 06:37:18 PM
Everything about this piece is interesting: from the title to the last word of it.

It's a bitter truth that in our world, sex is perceived as a tool for the pleasure of the males. And that has been going on from generation to generation and it's a bit of a cycle we can't shake off.

For instance, it's a bit understandable when a young man (in his twenties) gets chastised for having sex with a young girl (of say 13 or 14)... There might actually be a level of "taking advantage". However, when young guns, male and female of the same age bracket (teenagers) are caught in the act; people go haywire on the boy, saying stuffs like "he's taking advantage of the poor girl", "he wants to spoil her life", "he's using her" and stuffs like that.

This article right here and many more like it should help us right the wrongs in our perception of sexuality. Sex should be seen differently from being a thing for men/boys to enjoy to something humans should (females and males).

If a guy man cannot bring his wife to say yes, yes, yes... If a man fails to bring his wife to many moments of ecstasy in bed, he's failing in his duties. He can't just be jerking off and then think he's doing right without considering his woman's pleasure too. She has to enjoy it, she has to.

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