The rate of failed marriages is ticking up steadily in Nigeria and it doesn't seem like anyone is studying it.

“Unless love equals passion, marriage rites are never right; that's all!”
-Dr. Randolph


I have been taking notes -not necessarily studying it -just taking notes. In my notes taken from different stories of failed marriages particularly in the eastern part of Nigeria, I noticed a pattern.

The pattern is this: a man feels ready to marry and sets out to seek a wife.
The man focuses on the quality of the wife he wants: she must be beautiful, educated, intelligent, reserved (a virgin if possible), obedient, respectful, good home maker, and good mother material.
Most often the man is not really interested in whether she has a job, or the type of job she has, after-all he would be the bread winner and provider. But, in all this he forgets the most important thing to test or look out for, which is the MUTUAL-ATTRACTION index between BOTH of he and the woman. By “attraction” I mean PHYSICAL (not monetary, professional, status related, religion based, familiar connections, anything else) attraction.

Double emphasis: This index measures the physical attraction from the man to the woman and from the woman to the man.

This type of attraction is what builds and sustains the level of PASSION between the couple.
Ideally, a marriage should be built on divine love -Agape. However, humans generally struggle with this -by nature, and must be assisted by pure attraction. What most humans do naturally is to love based on what each gets from the other. Among many things that a person can get from another, nothing is stronger than passionate love. When everything else fails to keep the fires of marriage burning, passion never fails.

A lady friend once confided in me the reason her parents married and stuck together for 53 years till her father's death. She said that her mother told her that the marriage was simply sustained by quality and quantity of sex. The mother basically stuck to her husband because of the passion that existed between she and the late man.

One man that I know has being having serious squabbles with his wife for about 7 years now, and the signs aren't looking good at all. The marriage is now at the stage where the man constantly threatens the woman with physical assault. Going forward, the marriage -if it continues at all – would likely be joyless.

Another man I know has been having exactly the same problem, only that his own wife is determined not to be a good wife and mother. To further aggravate matters, his wife goes and comes as she wishes.
This marriage may continue, but the man's mental and physical health may suffer as a result.

The common denominator between these two men is that they married according to the common criteria I mentioned in the third paragraph, but without any consideration for MUTUAL-ATTRACTION. Both men were physically attracted to the women they married, BUT the attraction was one way. The women had other things that attracted them to the men EXCEPT physical attraction.

The men were ready for marriage, and the women were also ready, but the men did not test for mutual physical attraction. They merely were attracted to the women, and proceeded to propose marriage. The woman simply accepted because all woman in Eastern Nigeria wants to marry men of status and reliable income.

I noted that some men either mischievously or irresponsibly pretend that this is not an issue. In fact I have seen a lot of men who simply pursue women for marriage while totally ignoring the women’s feelings towards them. Some men beg, cajole, pursue, kneel down to beg, fall flat on the bellies, and grovel to heavens and back just to marry women with zero attraction to them. The women, after these emotional blackmails,  marry them, and then set out to seek and keep men that they are truly attracted to. The same men (husbands) would then go about blackmailing the cheating wives with moral based arguments, emotions, and complaints of adultery. That is how one woman ended up having an affair with the pastor (a Catholic priest at that) of the couple's home church. Like  the video  in another thread on this forum, the man was thinking that simply lamenting and shouting about the sins of adultery being committed by the wife would sway her away from her chosen mate. That is a futile exercise because passion is stronger than reason. 

A man getting a woman to marry him by all means is deceptive and inherently unjust, and should be ready to accept in good faith whatever comes later in the marriage, rather than freaking out and playing victim.

Anyone going to equity must go with clean hands!

Married women who date other men, and have been deceived into marriage by their husbands, stand on stronger moral grounds than their accusing husbands. That is why I ALWAYS blame the men for most of the problems that arise in Nigerian marriages, because our culture is male dominated. Western marriages are a bit different because mutual attraction is mostly the basis for most western marriages.

So, my advice is that Nigerian men should cease and desist from pressuring women into marriage because marriage is a life-long commitment. If she even gives you the slightest of cold shoulders while you are proposing, please head to the hills -FAST! Or pay dearly later.

-Nigerialog.com

I like your submission. It is true people are attracted to each other for various reasons but if physical attraction is not involved... They should not even look at an aisle not to talk of walking down one.

I mean, why coarse someone into marrying you? It takes two to love, just calm down and don't rush things.

Cool write up, nice notes!

Physical attraction is good and can make two individuals get married... Emotional, spiritual and behavioural attraction are better and should be more emphasised before deciding to choose or pursue that partner... If both partners are ugly but each one notices  kindness, humility etc in the other person,..the love and passion they have for each other will be strong and maintained throughout marriage even when looks and physical attraction have fade away.

Have heard a message that discuss about attractions.  Am strongly against those that use to say physical attractions doesn't determine in marrying someone.

If you marry someone you are not attracted to physically you will keep complaining and correcting for the rest of your life, you might be thinking you can blend him or her up to yout taste.

Mind you, you can't change anybody into your our own style except they are already what you want.

Have seen some people that they can't identify themself with their man.. Why?  They are not satisfied with the physical appearance and yet they are in relationship together.

Attractions is highly very important in relationship but not until you get someone that is flashy....... 

Have heard a message that discuss about attractions.  Am strongly against those that use to say physical attractions doesn't determine in marrying someone.

If you marry someone you are not attracted to physically you will keep complaining and correcting for the rest of your life, you might be thinking you can blend him or her up to yout taste.

Mind you, you can't change anybody into your our own style except they are already what you want.

Have seen some people that they can't identify themself with their man.. Why? They are not satisfied with the physical appearance and yet they are in relationship together.

Attractions is highly very important in relationship but not until you get someone that is flashy....... 

As a matter of fact, the second man in the story I mentioned above has exactly this problem!
The wife would never walk with him in public occasions and events. She dresses well and walks ahead of her husband. lol 

In fact, now that I think about it.  Physical attraction is extremely important.

Physical attraction is good and can make two individuals get married... Emotional, spiritual and behavioural attraction are better and should be more emphasised before deciding to choose or pursue that partner... If both partners are ugly but each one notices  kindness, humility etc in the other person,..the love and passion they have for each other will be strong and maintained throughout marriage even when looks and physical attraction have fade away.

Hmm, much as I would like to agree with you, honestly I can't.
A lady youth corper who was not so good looking, but had a boyfriend who was equally not so good looking ended up cheating (and even dumping) her boyfriend for another guy. The two "ugly couples" (lol, for lack of a better word) were so close in the camp, but towards the end of the camping period, this "handsome" guy toasted the "ugly" lady, and she fell BIG TIME for this guy. She simply left her guy and followed this new guy to his own place of primary assignment. She did not look back whatsoever. Now, imagine if they had married each other? The point I make here is that attraction is different from looks, but needs to be there for the heart to keep beating.
You know that you have passion for the other person if your heart beats fast at the mere thought of that person being with another person. It is a simple test.
Kindness, humility, and any other "goodness" don't cut it for passion. Those come in handy only after passion had taken its prime position. When you couple passion with goodness, you get BLISS.
Some couples have it; others don't.

As a matter of fact, the second man in the story I mentioned above has exactly this problem!
The wife would never walk with him in public occasions and events. She dresses well and walks ahead of her husband. lol 

Thats her problem, why did she marry him in the first place, may be MONEY 💰!

As a matter of fact, the second man in the story I mentioned above has exactly this problem!
The wife would never walk with him in public occasions and events. She dresses well and walks ahead of her husband. lol 

Lolz.... That's embarrassing.... Husband and wife can't walk together. Are they blind when they agreed to marry each other.

I discover that some women opt to marry any man that jam their way because of their age and how they have messed with their own life.

With this excuse I still don't agree that they should go ahead to marry someone they are not satisfied with.

Life time regret.... 

Hmm, much as I would like to agree with you, honestly I can't.
A lady youth corper who was not so good looking, but had a boyfriend who was equally not so good looking ended up cheating (and even dumping) her boyfriend for another guy. The two "ugly couples" (lol, for lack of a better word) were so close in the camp, but towards the end of the camping period, this "handsome" guy toasted the "ugly" lady, and she fell BIG TIME for this guy. She simply left her guy and followed this new guy to his own place of primary assignment. She did not look back whatsoever. Now, imagine if they had married each other? The point I make here is that attraction is different from looks, but needs to be there for the heart to keep beating.
You know that you have passion for the other person if your heart beats fast at the mere thought of that person being with another person. It is a simple test.
Kindness, humility, and any other "goodness" don't cut it for passion. Those come in handy only after passion had taken its prime position. When you couple passion with goodness, you get BLISS.
Some couples have it; others don't.

You have opened the two sides wide....

Look is physical and passion is an abstract, that two have to be balanced.

If you neglect one and go for the other, my friend you are still gonna come back and look for it.

You have opened the two sides wide....

Look is physical and passion is an abstract, that two have to be balanced.

If you neglect one and go for the other, my friend you are still gonna come back and look for it.

Actually both are physical. That is why I gave the example of heartbeat.
A woman may be dying for this "ugly" guy and follow him to hell and back, and people (who are usually clueless) would be wondering "what does she see in this guy?" But what they don't know is what happens when the two meet behind closed doors.
The critics don't see the chemistry behind closed doors, which fuels the passion.
So, it is just what it is -> attraction, hence -passion.
Passion is a derivative of attraction -you can't really separate the two in this context.

Actually both are physical. That is why I gave the example of heartbeat.
A woman may be dying for this "ugly" guy and follow him to hell and back, and people (who are usually clueless) would be wondering "what does she see in this guy?" But what they don't know is what happens when the two meet behind closed doors.
The critics don't see the chemistry behind closed doors, which fuels the passion.
So, it is just what it is -> attraction, hence -passion.
Passion is a derivative of attraction -you can't really separate the two in this context.

This is right, it is what you are attracted to that you can actually be passionate about... Savvy?

Wow! Great post! Mutual attraction is also an important tool in a relationship heading for the aisle as well! 'Spirituality' should not cancel this point. Like the writer posted ' be double sure...or pay...'.

Dayan, I don’t like the advice you gave at the last paragraph. It is in the nature of women to give cold shoulders before they finally agrees, in that case they will not look cheap. I think that courtship should be instituted back in the culture for example: Both parties have to live together at least for 3 months before the actual marriage to see if the are really compatible in all ramifications . I know that this method may be abused by some Casanova but it is worth giving it a try.

Dayan, I don’t like the advice you gave at the last paragraph. It is in the nature of women to give cold shoulders before they finally agrees, in that case they will not look cheap. I think that courtship should be instituted back in the culture for example: Both parties have to live together at least for 3 months before the actual marriage to see if the are really compatible in all ramifications . I know that this method may be abused by some Casanova but it is worth giving it a try.

The last paragraph works for me though... I like it as I don't think any other impression can be better than the first when attraction is being discussed. There's a particular thing the lady didn't find attractive the first time, and she may eventually find it harder to cope with later in marriage. In such situations, she will keep papering over the crack, in order words suffering and smiling; or leave the marriage in pursuit of happiness. Either way, I'm not of the opinion that a guy should persist in running after a lady who obviously doesn't "feel" him.

But if a "love-struck" lady just gives cold shoulders, we always know... May be it's a DNA thing or a hormonal thing, but we feel she's only putting up the act. Yet she needs to be careful not to overdo it so the man doesn't move on...

Anyways, why go cold turkey on me to prove you're not cheap. I like you, you like me, let's tango... That's me.