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Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage: Family : Nigerialog.com - Nigeria's Premier Online Forum

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Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 06:40:11 AM
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Think your wife is your best friend? You’re wrong. It doesn’t mean your marriage isn’t wonderful—it’s just a recognition that friendship and marriage, while they share key areas of overlap, are fundamentally different relationships. And conflating the two can cause far more problems for your marriage than your friendships, experts warn.

“In most cases our friends do not live with us, are not financially, legally, relationally entwined with us. Our friends are attached to us because they want to, when they want to,” marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec told Fatherly. “They have volition and empowerment to leave or at least take space from us when necessary. Our partners are connected to our homes, family, schedules, life.”

It makes some sense why marriage and friendship might be confused for one another. It’s well-documented that marriage is good for individual health, well-being, and longevity, and the same is true for friendship. Married people also tend to rely less on friendships than single people. But that’s not because their spouses have stepped into the best friend role—it’s because everyone else has. “When married, you also have each other’s parents and siblings as sources of support — or even children,” Krawiec explains. “Married people tend to have a broader pool of potential supports.”

However, that’s different from friendship and mistaking one for the other can cause conflicts in marriages, Krawiec warns. Husbands who expect their wives to be their best friends may develop impractical expectations for how they should support them and their decisions. If a man were to quit his job to pursue a passion for carpentry, a friend could easily be his cheerleader. But his wife? She’s going to have questions.

“When we mistake our partners own questions, fears, concerns as a lack of support we are holding them accountable to a friend standard that does not exist for our partner,” Krawiec says. “When we get too disappointed or resentful we end up eroding our relationships.”

It’s important to note that mistaking friendship for marriage won’t always harm your well-being. One study found that men who reported that their spouses were their best friends were twice as likely to report high life satisfaction. John Helliwell, a professor at the Vancouver School of Economics who conducted the research, told the New York Times that this is likely because men tend to have fewer friends. And for people who don’t have a lot of friends, let alone a best friend, a spouse becomes more important for their health because that role may not have otherwise been filled. “That’s how we got to the idea that marriage is a kind of ‘super-friendship,’” Helliwell says.

But not a true friendship, and keeping that in mind could be the difference between a successful marriage and a life full of disappointment. If it helps to think of your spouse as a best friend who happens to be financially and legally tied to you, go for it. But keep in mind that, when you heap best bud expectations onto your wife, nobody benefits.

Source

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 06:44:29 AM
Quote
Our friends are attached to us because they want to, when they want to,” marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec told Fatherly. “They have volition and empowerment to leave or at least take space from us when necessary. Our partners are connected to our homes, family, schedules, life.”

This quote goes to the heart of the problem.
Friends are free to "take breaks" from friendships... disappear once in a while without bothering to contact other friends. A spouse cannot disappear like that, else serious alarms will be raised.
A lot of spouses want to take "breaks" from their marriages, but they simply can't because that is not how marriages work.

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 06:54:00 AM
Secondly, though some friendships come with sexual "benefits", sex is not the intrinsic expectation in a friendship unless it is a love based friendship like in boyfriend/girlfriend.
And when sex gets involved in friendships, it can be quite exhilarating and "racy" with lots of passion, because there are no extra-sexual obligations or commitments like paying bills and taking care of kids.

For this reason, it is a mistake for a couple who took their marriages into the "friend" zone to find passion as friends (read boyfriend/girlfriend) do. While they may be role playing pretending, a child may return from school sick, or something breaks in the house and needs fixing... or any number of things that happen in a regular family house. And suddenly the prior elevated sexual tension would die a natural death, at least for that time.
Such mood killer hardly happens with a friend.

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 07:07:52 AM
Lastly, it is a mistake to share all gory details of your day to day life with your spouse because they are human beings too with human judgemental instincts... and they are NOT you.
A lot of people struggle to understand this reality.
Some would say that they share every information with their spouse because it relieves them of the burden, but then they get surprised when the spouses' behaviour changes negatively towards them. The behavioural change is an unconscious reaction because the spouse is a human being physically different in every way. And they are really NOT friends in the practical sense of the word. 

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 07:13:13 AM
One of my ex-girl friends used to change her menstrual pads right in front of me. Suffice to say that it killed our sex life. She did not understand that I am not her girl friend. Imagine if I had married her prior...
Till we parted, she still felt that couples (as in spouses) should be friends. I didn't think so.

My Igbo ancestors never even lived with their wives in the same house. The man ALWAYS lived in a separate house called "Obi". This enables the couple to retain spousal sexual virility and allows each gender to develop to natural full capacity. A man develops FULLY into a man, while a woman equally develops FULLY into a woman. Whenever the couples met, it was fireworks!
Today, a lot of men complain of sexual dysfunction. Duh!  :))

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: alagbe003 (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 10:58:38 AM
The article is interesting, but I disagree with some parts.

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 11, 2018, 06:43:10 PM
The article is interesting, but I disagree with some parts.

So which part don't you agree with?
And please be detailed.
Thank you!  ;D

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : December 12, 2018, 07:35:30 AM
Singles like me :)) , I've heard it a load of times that it's the safest marriage when you marry your best friend, when you marry someone you share a very intimate friendship with. I've always have my doubts  concerning this. On many occasions, I have voiced my opinion on marriage that one marriage differs from another. You cannot use your marriage as a benchmark for another neither should you use another as a benchmark for yours. You are you, your wife is different from the other man's wife as well.

Starting from basics like where you met your partner, how you wooed her, how you talk, how you make love, how you relate economically, spiritually or even physically. These things can't be generalized for everyone.

This article is enlightening. Even I think it's safer to see your partner as a spouse (a husband or a wife) than a as friend so you don't add that extra burden of cheerleaders, supporters even when you are making decisions they don't really buy into.

Quote


In most cases our friends do not live with us, are not financially, legally, relationally entwined with us. Our friends are attached to us because they want to, when they want to,” marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec told Fatherly. “They have volition and empowerment to leave or at least take space from us when necessary. Our partners are connected to our homes, family, schedules, life.”




Hehehehe... There are always exceptions, right? There will be some who are best friends with their partners BUT that's not you, at least not yet. You have to know yourself, understand your partner, build YOUR home together. It doesn't have to be exactly like your neighbor's home, if you try that it's a battle you cannot win.


There's a reason I'm still single   ;D

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 12, 2018, 11:55:23 PM
Singles like me :)) , I've heard it a load of times that it's the safest marriage when you marry your best friend, when you marry someone you share a very intimate friendship with. I've always have my doubts  concerning this. On many occasions, I have voiced my opinion on marriage that one marriage differs from another. You cannot use your marriage as a benchmark for another neither should you use another as a benchmark for yours. You are you, your wife is different from the other man's wife as well.

Starting from basics like where you met your partner, how you wooed her, how you talk, how you make love, how you relate economically, spiritually or even physically. These things can't be generalized for everyone.

This article is enlightening. Even I think it's safer to see your partner as a spouse (a husband or a wife) than a as friend so you don't add that extra burden of cheerleaders, supporters even when you are making decisions they don't really buy into.
 


Hehehehe... There are always exceptions, right? There will be some who are best friends with their partners BUT that's not you, at least not yet. You have to know yourself, understand your partner, build YOUR home together. It doesn't have to be exactly like your neighbor's home, if you try that it's a battle you cannot win.


There's a reason I'm still single
  ;D

One of these days, some smart babe will nab you, I assure you.
You can't run for ever!  ;D ;D

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 13, 2018, 12:22:38 AM
@Ramjoe, your point about marriages being unique in each instance stands like a colossus.
Touche!
Maybe that is what Alagbe wanted to say, but I’d wait till he says so specifically.

Marriages are in fact unique, for each case, and it is really a mistake to compare two.
I guess the article was probably talking about majority of cases, at least that is what I assume.

But I want this conversation to go deeper and longer because I've seen a few marriages whereby the man and his wife are "friends" but the couple dysfunctions somehow.

Case 1: In one instance, the man now holds no opinions until his wife signs off on it. And he goes virtually nowhere without the wife - I mean he goes EVERYWHERE with his wife. The result? The man is not having a good relationship with any other human being outside of his wife. And unfortunately for him, she is not a good person. She is the type that wants to manipulate extended family relationships. So the man is lost to his extended family, because of her. I do not believe that a man should be distant in any way with his extended family because they are the only thing that can make life sensible. And they will fight for you if the need arises.
Nearly every woman would want to posses her husband and keep him under her own control. Those who have been in marriages know this fact. The onus is on the man to maintain the right distance, hence balance, in the family relationships.

Case 2: Similar to case one, except worse. In this case, the woman dictates who the man can have normal relationship with: siblings, parents, friends, ANYONE. If the wife didn't want the husband to relate with any individual, he simply can't do it. Meanwhile the guy is a good and intelligent man. But then he has no life outside what his wife wants. Yet, to make matters worse, the wife changes men like clothes. There is no time since their marriage that the wife didn't have a "side-nigga". Even her ex-boy friends used to visit and live with the couple years after she got married to the man.  :- But the man DARED NOT cheat.

I can go on and on for this couple but I believe the point is clear.

So, it is my belief that the common mistake in both cases is the fact that the man has his wife as "friend".
Not saying that a man's spouse shouldn't be close enough to know everything about the man's life: finances, health issues, business contacts, relationships, insurances, investments... you've know things that will help her to fight to defend the family, too, if he is somehow unable to; after-all she is an equal partner in it.
But to do more... dunno.

I end with a question: Do you know any married couple that are close friends (as related in this article) that are fully functional in relating with other people: family, friends, etc? Couples not having the problems of the couples I cited above?
Please share, with details.
Waiting patiently to continue this conversation...

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : December 13, 2018, 02:01:28 PM
One of these days, some smart babe will nab you, I assure you.
You can't run for ever!  ;D ;D

Hehehehe  :))

Even I don't want to run forever...

But for now, the fair lady hasn't shown face...

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : December 14, 2018, 06:00:48 AM
 
  @Ramjoe, your point about marriages being unique in each instance stands like a colossus.
Touche!   

Maybe that is what Alagbe wanted to say, but I’d wait till he says so specifically.

Marriages are in fact unique, for each case, and it is really a mistake to compare two.
I guess the article was probably talking about majority of cases, at least that is what I assume.

But I want this conversation to go deeper and longer because I've seen a few marriages whereby the man and his wife are "friends" but the couple dysfunctions somehow.

Case 1: In one instance, the man now holds no opinions until his wife signs off on it. And he goes virtually nowhere without the wife - I mean he goes EVERYWHERE with his wife. The result? The man is not having a good relationship with any other human being outside of his wife. And unfortunately for him, she is not a good person. She is the type that wants to manipulate extended family relationships. So the man is lost to his extended family, because of her. I do not believe that a man should be distant in any way with his extended family because they are the only thing that can make life sensible. And they will fight for you if the need arises.
Nearly every woman would want to posses her husband and keep him under her own control. Those who have been in marriages know this fact. The onus is on the man to maintain the right distance, hence balance, in the family relationships.

Case 2: Similar to case one, except worse. In this case, the woman dictates who the man can have normal relationship with: siblings, parents, friends, ANYONE. If the wife didn't want the husband to relate with any individual, he simply can't do it. Meanwhile the guy is a good and intelligent man. But then he has no life outside what his wife wants. Yet, to make matters worse, the wife changes men like clothes. There is no time since their marriage that the wife didn't have a "side-nigga". Even her ex-boy friends used to visit and live with the couple years after she got married to the man.  :- But the man DARED NOT cheat.

I can go on and on for this couple but I believe the point is clear.

So, it is my belief that the common mistake in both cases is the fact that the man has his wife as "friend".
Not saying that a man's spouse shouldn't be close enough to know everything about the man's life: finances, health issues, business contacts, relationships, insurances, investments... you've know things that will help her to fight to defend the family, too, if he is somehow unable to; after-all she is an equal partner in it.
But to do more... dunno.

I end with a question: Do you know any married couple that are close friends (as related in this article) that are fully functional in relating with other people: family, friends, etc? Couples not having the problems of the couples I cited above?
Please share, with details.

Waiting patiently to continue this conversation...


Hehehehe... Just like social security numbers and BVNs, each union of man and woman as husband and wife has its unique identity. No question! The root of many marital problems is "comparison and greed". You have to be contented with what you've got, if you want more, go for it. Don't do it out of envy though. Never do that!

Now to your question @dayan

I know 1, uh... 2 in fact. Okay, let's say one and a half.


The one?

This man was in his thirties, no wife. Being single (and rich), he had a sexual romp with an older woman and she got him nailed. Nailed? Yeah! Some said it's voodoo, some said it's her culinary skills, some said it's destiny but I knew she got him. Clearly, he had no child but she had grown up children even her last born was in secondary school while they were dating. She moved in with him and he was sponsoring her, her children and her family members. For years, it was like that until even the last born became rich (I heard she graduated from a college while the man was sponsoring them)...

One thing led to another, he got a young nurse somewhere far away from the "witch" (as most neighbors called her), impregnated her and kept her away from the old woman. She was delivered of a baby (boy), the older woman knew, then she died. She left him with his house furnished with a wooden bench (the kind that local carpenters sit on in villages) and no TV. It's a nice building but he couldn't do much more than feed the old woman, buy stuffs for her and her children while she's alive hence "the bench and no TV" part.

Anyways, the nurse finally came home. She's now his everything (best friend especially). He doesn't make a decision (especially important ones) without consulting her. She decides a lot, if not all things happening in the house. She's a nurse, he's a surveyor... She tells him when to be good to his family (almost always: because she is a good person). She told him to bring his niece home and train her when the poor girl lost her mother, she's nice to her, buys things for her and her brother who's in the northern Nigeria. She's supporting her husband’s extended family and obviously he does hers.  :))

They consult each other for everything. And they are happy.

I eat there every now and then... So this is an insider story.

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 21, 2018, 08:10:29 AM


They consult each other for everything. And they are happy.

I eat there every now and then... So this is an insider story.

In other words you are a biased party in this case!  :D :D :))

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: dayan (M) |Time : December 21, 2018, 08:27:23 AM


Anyways, the nurse finally came home. She's now his everything (best friend especially). He doesn't make a decision (especially important ones) without consulting her. She decides a lot, if not all things happening in the house. She's a nurse, he's a surveyor... She tells him when to be good to his family (almost always: because she is a good person). She told him to bring his niece home and train her when the poor girl lost her mother, she's nice to her, buys things for her and her brother who's in the northern Nigeria. She's supporting of her husband’s extended family and obviously he does hers.  :))

They consult each other for everything. And they are happy.

I eat there every now and then... So this is an insider story.

But what you just described is just a budding good wife.
All good wives are this way.
Best friends do stuff that nobody knows about. That friend is a form of escape from family pressures. They may go to play tennis, golf, soccer, or watch a live game, or grab a beer for those who drink, or share a business or career secret... or any number of "guy things". 
This may well be the case here, but it is still early days and the circumstance of the woman's entrance into the man's life may be making her to act this way. But like I said, she could just be a potential good wife.
Good wives are not necessarily their husband's best friends. In fact good wives nudge their husbands to get and keep at least one good MALE friend, just in case. Some good wives feel sad for their husbands if their husbands don't have friends.  A good wife is not threatened by her husband's relationship with male friends. Insecure wives don't want their husbands to keep any friends outside of themselves but I am yet to be convinced that a woman can be a man's best friend, even if she is his wife.

Re: Your Wife Is Not Your Best Friend, And Thinking She Is Will Kill Your Marriage

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : December 22, 2018, 06:21:02 AM
 o-O
In other words you are a biased party in this case!  :D :D :))

Hehehehe... That's really how it is, dayan...  :)) :)) :))

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