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Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story ): Family : Nigerialog.com - Nigeria's Premier Online Forum

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Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story )

By: gifted |Time : March 19, 2019, 07:39:31 AM
This story was posted by a user in the website asexual.org.
It is a long read but speaks to certain marital problems that few talk about.




Hello everyone- I have been trolling this board now for a few days and finally decided to register and post my story. Any insights, suggestions, etc. here would be most helpful. Sorry, but this post is going to be a long one.

I am a sexual male (I think a pretty normal sex drive) nearing 50 who has been with his asexual wife for nearly half of my life (married 22 years of that time) and who is truly heart broken. I asked for a divorce last week after years of suffering from a low self-esteem, depressed feelings, anger, doubt about the marriage and dwindling love for my wife all because she hasn't wanted sex or even intimacy with me.
Earlier this spring I was at my wits end and and began searching out "sexless marriage" through google and came upon a forum about that topic and began to read what others had posted. Most were women in my situation but there were some men and there appeared to be a consensus that a sexless marriage for someone who was taught to value intimacy and sex in marriage as important and a true, special bond with someone you love was LIVING HELL. The forum was quite old and I noticed that there were very few posts after around 2006 (possibly because of the emergence of this site and even the term, "asexual.").
Anyway, I struggled with the notion of whether or not I wanted a divorce and finally made up my mind to tell her, which I did last week.
Let me give some background information now. When I was in my mid-twenties, I courted my to-be wife who is 4 years younger than me. We did have premarital sex (after we knew we were going to be married) and it seemed wonderful enough to me- but I was inexperienced and so it is hard to gauge that against anything. Even during that time, the sex dwindled some but I chalked it up to being busy, preparing for the wedding, etc.
Our honeymoon took us to beautiful Jamaica- one of those all-inclusive couples resorts and it was a fun time- but sex was only once during that time, even though I tried to get her in the mood for more. After coming home from the honeymoon, she found that she was having issue with her birth control (hormonal) so she went off of that and asked that I begin using condoms. She told me then that she didn't like the mess anyway (maybe that should have been a clue).

Our sex dwindled even more to maybe once a month or sometimes even less. We took a trip overseas to another country for about a month one summer and I believe even though there were very romantic places and moments, sex was only once or so, but when we had it, it seemed fine. Finally, about 4 years into our marriage I was allowed to have sex without condoms as we wanted to start a family. Then our son was born 5 years into our marriage. After this, sexual activity ceased completely for over a year. Gradually it returned but I always initiated and it seemed a chore for her to get ready for it and to actually accomplish an orgasm.

Being one who wants to pleasure the other person before myself, I would always give her oral sex (even until my tongue was tired or sore) until she could cum and then we would have vaginal penetration with a condom. Once my orgasm was completed, we would both clean up and there was never any cuddling or close moments- something she didn't seem to enjoy. Oh, I should also add that sex for her was always in the missionary position and with the lights off and under the covers- something that was not very exciting for me. Although at rare times, she would oblige in a doggy position or somewhere else in the house, she made it clear that she was not comfortable and often remarked that she thought that I wanted her to be some type of "porn star," which she was not.

Especially after what I thought were wonderfully hot sexual encounters, she would often go into the bathroom and stay there for a long time. I couldn't understand this and often wondered why, if our sex was so good, she didn't want to repeat such episodes or come back and cuddle with me so we could feel some sort of an "after-glow." Anyway, long story short, our sex life has continued on into this year with the same pattern- no real intimacy- no open mouth kiss- no hugging (or if there has been, it has seemed to be one sided on my part)... oh, and always with me wearing a condom. The lack of intimacy is one of the things that has about killed me.

Even if I reach for her hand in the middle of the night, it would be pushed away and she would roll over, away from me. Hugs during the day would be rejected. Kisses have been pecks on the cheek or maybe sometimes on the lips but that's it and most often when we say good-bye to each other before leaving for work, etc.
After years of the above, including one period where my wife told me that if I didn't try to initiate sex so much she would (I did not initiate for 15 months- so we never had sex during this time, until I initiated again), we fell into a pattern of just a handful (no pun intended) of times a year... the usual- valentines day, father's day, our anniversary...guess that's about it. During that period of time, I took a job about an hour away that had heavy responsibilities and often did not get home until late at night and had to leave the house early, before she even got up. I loved my job and put everything into it and she hated my job and although there were social events that she could attend with me related to my work, she chose not to. Our son was growing up and she was the main care-giver.

We drifted apart- and she had some issues with her knee and lower back- so much so that camping, hiking, canoeing, etc. that involved some physical fitness- and activities that we both enjoyed together in the past could no longer take place between the two of us. The end result was that we found ourselves having very little in common....and we were no longer enjoying each others' company.

I should add that about 5 years ago, there was an attempt at talking about our situation- seriously. I tried to get her to see that we needed a sexual connection and maybe if we could try a bit more, other things would begin to get better. I know for some couples this is true- sex helps other areas of their lives- it rejuvenates… for others it’s the other things that have to get better- then the sex naturally follows. The conclusion of our several hours talk (that included tears on both sides) was that she confessed that she never has liked sex and that she has never, ever, not even once had a sexual fantasy. She also told me that she never liked giving me oral sex. After our time of discussion, sex between us became even more strained- and less often, and since then, I have never received oral sex again.

Just over 2 years ago, the job that she considers my "affair" ended. I have to confess that the work I was doing was exciting and I considered it the love of my life- I couldn't wait to leave in the morning to go to it and would often linger later than I had to when my work hours were over, as I dreaded coming home. None-the-less, I was home for the first time in years (with her) and with lots of time on my hands- time I had to sort out and deal with. I should also add that although I never had an affair with another woman, there were women along the way and at my job (the one that was an hour away) especially as this job was winding down, who showed a great deal of attention to me. My mind drifted to a few of them and I knew that if I wanted to, I could have a sexual relationship with one or several of them and "get" what I felt I needed which I wasn't getting at home- but I never took that step.

However, I did fantasize about what it would be like sexually to be with someone who could reciprocate and also "enjoy me" sexually.... maybe the fantasy in and of itself was like an affair- I don't know. Anyway, here I was at home and my wife and I in an uncomfortable dilemma. We knew that we were disconnected from each other, and I wanted to take a job in another city that would keep me away from home 3~4 days a week. I wanted my family to move so I would not have to drive 3 hours to and from this work but she would not budge. Conversation turned to divorce then and we both cried. I could say that at that point I was not feeling in love with my wife, although I loved her and cared for her deeply. Once again, long story short, we decided to "work on" our marriage and try to rekindle our love for each other and I took a non-exciting job with less pay, locally.

So, after searching the internet, I bought a program called the Marriage Fitness Program by Mort Fertel.. a great book (highly recommended if both partners are sexual) with a series of audio CD's that go along with the book...and I began working in earnest to try to get back the spark I felt we had had years prior. This involved exercises that begin with positive words to each other- connecting several times (even when both are at work) with simple phone calls, email and texting... and then touching each other (non-sexually) on the arm, shoulders, etc. when you are together... and a date night once a week. We found that some of these activities were helpful but date night was still problematic- we had trouble deciding where to go and finally when I was able to coax my wife out of the house, we sat there and had little or nothing to say to each other. Communication was a problem. We could talk about things we needed to do around the house, the grocery shopping, the menial tasks that we had to do for our daily living but talk about deep content was near impossible...and sex was still almost non-existent. At the end of the summer 2007, our anniversary was coming up and I made plans to really splurge and take her to a resort for the weekend where she would be pampered with massages, facials, etc. - all things that she loves.

This was very expensive but it was our 20 year anniversary and we were working towards rekindling our spark. At the resort, my wife seemed to glow! She was truly in heaven. I wined and dined her- gave her every luxury I could think of- even rented the best suite they had. Then on the night of our anniversary after going to a very sheik piano bar, and having drinks, all the while holding hands like two teenagers in love- we went back to our room. I thought this was going to be it! I don't know why but I had imagined there would be lingerie, candles, soft music, etc. and of course, long, slow love-making. Instead, once she was in our room, she said she was tired- quickly got into bed and turned the lights off and rolled over to go to bed. I was left speechless and I laid in our large, cruel bed and cried quietly to myself. The next morning's drive back to our home (2 1/2 hours) was in total silence. Looking back on the events of that night- where I was rejected once again, but this time after much effort had been made to rekindle our spark- I can truly say was when my "spark for her was completely extinguished."

Life after that has been hum-drum. I tried to get into my work- became busy again. We have shared nothing in common (except for our son) and any sexual times together have seemed out of duty or guilt on her part- sometimes even as an after-thought (This year, sex was the day after Valentines, for instance...as if the guilt caught up to her for not doing anything on valentines day). Anyway, so that takes us into this year and what is happening to our relationship now.

As I had insinuated earlier- I have never felt fulfilled in my sexual life (as a sexual) and feel a very large hole in my psyche from this. Marriage was not suppose to be this way- I had always been taught and firmly believed in my heart that when I got married, my sexual needs would be taken care of, as I would take care of them for my wife as well and that I would never had to worry about straying or feeling like I would have to feel fulfillment from another or from auto eroticism (masturbation, etc.). But beyond that, I thought that a "sexual connection" with my spouse would add another dimension or another layer of closeness- a bond that takes you even deeper into each other not only at a physical level but at an emotional and spiritual level. All of this has been missing for me- all of my life.

So, I discovered the "sexless marriage" forum... and came to the conclusion (I guess I'm at that mid-life point too) that I wanted a chance at sexual happiness- that life was too short and it's now or never- because I'm too sexual of a person to keep going without feeling connected to someone I love at that level- which I crave but haven't had. I would be taking a risk to divorce. I may never find anyone I could connect with at any level- but I no longer feel truly "in love" with my wife either (after everything that has happened) and felt I could not go on... and so I told her that I wanted a divorce last week and why. During our talks leading up to my revelation to her, she told me that she did not feel that she could ever have an intimate/sexual relationship with neither me nor anyone else.

But upon hearing that I wanted out, she was shocked and became quite upset and distraught. Even over a week later, she appears depressed. She cannot eat much as she ends up throwing up. Finally yesterday she went to see her doctor who prescribed an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I have talked to both my family and hers. They have encouraged marital counseling which I have agreed to and we will be going the first of next week…I don’t know if it will do any good. My wife says she wants to try whatever will help keep me from leaving- even sex therapy. She has already had hormones checked several times in the last few years and they are fine. Our son is okay with things so far. He (almost 17 years old) is just concerned as to where he will live and if he will see both of us- although he doesn’t know the details, he has verbalized in the past to both me and my wife that we seem unhappy with each other and maybe we should consider divorce- wow…kids are insightful.

So, why am I here? I’m sure you noticed, the word “asexual” was not used anywhere above. It has only been after I told my wife that I wanted a divorce that I stumbled upon this website. Boy, have my eyes been opened. I spent three nights ago reading until 4 in the morning on this site. I had no idea….and I’m glad I found this site… at least now, I understand. The next day I asked my wife if she thought she might be asexual. She really didn’t know what that meant- so I brought her here and for a brief time, she looked around- she is not embracing it but she does not deny any of it. I truly believe that she is asexual and falls into the 1% of the population that is on that end of the spectrum. She now confesses that she had no emotional connection with me from having sex and even when we were dating and first married, sex was something she did because she thought she was suppose to do it- she felt nothing from it.

When it was especially god for me, she felt she was in some kind of “porn movie” or something and felt extremely uncomfortable and distraught. At times, she felt sex was damaging to her (and we haven’t done S&M or other unusual forms of sex). Sex to her own self-esteem, etc. is meaningless and sometimes hurtful. She doesn’t like physical closeness- has never enjoyed French kissing.

All the time I thought it was me- something I was doing wrong or that she was broken- but I was wrong on all accounts. All the signs are there of her being asexual. So now, I am at a point at least for the first time in our marriage where I don’t have to blame her (or me) for the way our sex life has been. I know that she just is the way she is and can’t help it. It’s not because of her upbringing and there was never any early trauma, sexual or otherwise- she is who she is. I also don’t have to blame myself. I also know that no matter what kind of program or therapy I or we go through to “rekindle” the spark, it will not change the fact that she does not like sex and does not enjoy the kind of “connection” that we sexuals feel we gain from it. I certainly can’t ask her to go to sex therapy in good conscience. It would be like asking a heterosexual to engage in homosexual acts- I understand all of that now. I understand that she is not broken. I understand that her sexual (or nonsexual) orientation is the issue.

So, I am still angry (and very much hurt and heart broken)- not at her or at myself. I guess I’m angry at God. I ask myself- why me? Why us? Why was I one of the ones that had to fall in love and get married to one of the 1% that is asexual. Why didn’t she fall in love with another asexual so she wouldn’t have to put up with me and all of the sexual tension over the years. I also am angry when

I ask myself why it took this long to figure this out (22 years of marriage). Was I not paying attention? Anyway, I’m in a real dilemma now. I said I wanted a divorce and I still am leaning in that direction- My wife is hurting and reeling from this- she says, “I thought we would be married forever- I love you…please don’t leave…I can’t live without you.” From what I’ve read, to stay with her would take compromise- something I’ve already done all of my adult life (and I suppose she has done that too but to a much lesser degree). I don’t know if I can live with the fact that every time we have intimacy, I’m forcing her to do something that is against her will. With her, I will never have the sexual bond and fulfillment that I believe in my heart that married people are suppose to have and are entitled to. I also don’t see the option of going outside the marriage for such a bond…it’s just not me and it is against everything I was brought up to believe. I’m not sure if I can continue in this marriage even though 22 years, a house, a son, our things, our friends, our extended families- so much is at stake. I do know that no one would fault me for leaving, even now. I also know that many asexuals won’t have a perspective where they would understand where a sexual like myself who has been in a long marriage like myself is coming from. But I still encourage a dialogue regarding my story and our issues.

So, what say you, asexual forum? Anyone have any insights, thoughts, opinions?

I’m all ears….

Desperate, lonely and broken,

SexualHubby

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/42779-marriage-w-asexual-wife-about-to-end/

Re: Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story )

By: dayan (M) |Time : March 19, 2019, 07:52:58 PM
This is the type of a problem that lies at the foundations of A LOT of other marital (hence societal) problems; example adultery and clandestine sex.

This man's story is very sad and bleak.

I will comment more on it a little later because it needs in-depth analysis.

Be back later... 

Re: Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story )

By: dayan (M) |Time : March 20, 2019, 05:28:39 AM
Ok, I'm back now...

Re: Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story )

By: dayan (M) |Time : March 20, 2019, 05:56:29 AM
I have not done the research, but my rough educated guess would be that a significant percentage of "modern marriages" have this problem. I have seen women complain that their husbands are asexual. So, this is gender neutral.
The reason this marriage system has this problem, is because the marriage is based on sex or expectation of sexual exchange, hence the "and forsaking all others..." in the vows exchanged. If it was not based on sex (example if based on children), it would not have this problem.

That vow-phrase is predicated (though not spoken) on the expectation of sexual compatibility between the couple; i.e. that the couple should satiate each other as far as sex is concerned.
The same system also says that people should not have sex before marriage.

The problem then becomes, if a person marries another under this system, and it turns out that there is a problem like asexuality by one of the spouses, how do you resolve this problem?

Honourably: Divorce (as the man in this story is contemplating).
Clandestinely or dishonourably: Adultery.

Since asexuality may not be diagnosed until a few years into a marriage, how does a sexual person avoid or dodge marrying an asexual person or vice versa? A toss of a coin? lol

Certainly, such a system is unreliable and fragile. It cannot be sustained while keeping divorce and adultery rates under control.

This problem is not the type that can be swept under the rug in a marriage.
Sexual suppression is dangerous. It can literally be a " LIVING HELL" as the man in the story claims.
The man in the OP is honourable enough to seek divorce. Others may not be as honourable.

This is why I advocate the revival of precolonial Igbo marriage system, complete with all its support ingredients, and the collectivism that made it a solid system of marriage. Minor adjustments here and there to deal with things like child marriage, and that's it!

Re: Marriage with an asexual wife about to end ( A true life story )

By: Ramjoe (M) |Time : March 22, 2019, 06:44:45 AM
 :o

Omo!

God! Have mercy on me! Bikonu! Asexual? I no want, abeg...

Ah!

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